Weeks after and I’m back to zero. Back to starting out again, not knowing where to go or what to expect. Some people think of it as a mistake - passing up an opportunity that most unemployed people wanted so badly. I must admit, I myself thought of that idea- of giving up something I’ve worked hard for. But when I look back on all the hardships and sacrifices I had to go through, the ultimate question I had for myself was, “Is it worth it?”
I wanted so badly to say “Yes”. For months, I fought hard to convince myself that what I was doing was right, that I was lucky I even have a job when others wanted one badly. I used to read status updates of friends saying that they really need a job, and here I am, finding ways to get out of it. There were times when I’d think, I have to be grateful of what I have now. Maybe, this is just a phase I have to go through - a long, difficult adjustment phase - and that this too, shall pass. Day after day I had to literally fight back the tears and force myself to do something I only half-heartedly want, convincing myself that maybe someday, I will learn to love this job that some of my colleagues work passionately for.
I envy them. I envy them for doing their work with patience and passion. I envy them for truly caring for the people they tend to; for doing things ever so skillfully, for knowing what to do without even giving it much thought. I secretly hate myself for always feeling dumb, for allowing other people to make me feel dumb. I’ve always known that this job has never been my cup of tea, I try so hard to be one of those who work with their mind and heart focused on it.
At the end of the day, my attempts seem futile. I try my best to feel that satisfaction that one gets, knowing that they have saved lives or at least made them better. At the end of the day, I just felt EMPTY. In these hard times, I know it’s impractical to think about “satisfaction” and “fulfillment”, but it’s also hard to lie especially to yourself. Only one other person knows that I cry every night, wanting to give up but not having the choice of doing so. I was no longer the happy person I used to be everytime I went to work. I always had this “heavy” feeling everytime I woke up after a bothersome sleep. It is then that I knew I had to stop fighting what my heart has been telling me for quite a while already. I have fought many battles, but this is one battle I had to give up.
Ultimately though, I know I didn’t lose. For once, I am following what I want. I don’t know for certain if this is the right choice, but I know it’s a risk I have to take. A risk that I could say to my older and wiser self that I have done what was once just an idea - a dream, if you may say. No one knows if life would be better or worse, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed. From now on, I will choose my battles, and fight them well. In the end, it’s not whether I win or lose. I just want the fight to be worth it.
